13 March 2005

i hate

((ED note: Updated 26 March 05 - I was in a hard place when I wrote this... but I am ok now, really *smiles* The important thing to realise is that hate is an easy emotion to hold on to, even when it isn't the right emotion; its less confusing to pigeon-hole something into 'hate' than it is to deal with the true emotions... Of course this just makes it harder in the end! Obviously a part of me knew I didn't feel hate - which is really the whole point of this little 'ode'... Ah, the eternal torment of human emotions!!))

i hate.
i hate that while washing the makeup off my face at 9pm on Sunday night, my phone rang. i hate that i hadn't quite finished, and my face was dripping wet. i hate that i had to quickly dry it and run to my room.
i hate that when i answered i got crackling phone feedback. i hate that it took me a second to realise that it was a long distance phone call... and that it was from Houston, Texas.
i hate that i was so shocked i didn't know what to say; dry mouthed... word-less... stunned.
i hate that we had to have the conversation that we did. i hate that at 3am on Saturday he was thinking of me. i hate that he called because of me.
i hate that when it was over i needed to walk alone down my dark and sad street, in the rain, listening to Sigur Ros... 9:40pm on a Sunday night.
i hate the way i feel.
i hate that one moment i was half in tears, my heart screaming... Then cold as ice on the inside; unfeeling.
i hate that when i got back my phone was ringing again. i hate that it was Houston, Texas again. i hate that it was her, and that i was nice. i hate that i forgave so easily. i hate that everything was so unexpected that i didn't have time to be angry. i hate that i was friendly. i hate that now she may feel better.

And mostly i hate that no matter how hard i try to hate right now, i can't hate.

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