10 August 2006

Lovelife on hold

There is a boy. I met him over a year ago now. In fact, I had to really think to answer that. Then it came to me: I met him on the weekend of my friend's birthday. Actually, I briefly met him on the occasion of another friend's birthday, but that was just in passing. This meeting was a whole weekend. After that weekend, there were other get-togethers with friends and he'd be there... At this point I should add he is a friend's brother (just another slight complication for me to consider). We got on/get on really well. Lots in common... But lots that isn't. Still, the attraction must be there because we tend to flirt like crazy - usually after our first drink or so.

Initially I was oblivious I was even flirting - I was just "kidding around". Then people started saying "You two get on well, don't you??!!" and "Are you two a couple?" etc. Then there were a couple of incidents that led beyond flirting. Of course neither of us talk about what's going on. He certainly isn't pursuing me. But then I'm not chasing him either. The problem is not only do I not know what he wants, I don't know what I want. I am scared it will be a case of: wanting something when I don't have it... Then not wanting it when I've got it. (I could be wrong though!)

I don't do relationships... I've never had a proper one. I guess that scares me. And with regards to him, he's been married and is now separated. I think of him though; christ, I'm writing this about him! I just don't know if he thinks about me! Some friends say I should just go for it. They remind me that he is rather shy and is used to the girl making the move. I'm not adverse to making the first moves - as far as things go, I've made a lot of first moves. I just don't know if I want to be the one to start something *real*. It's like I want that responsibility to rest with him! My morbid thinking is, at least if/when I screw things up, at least it was him that started it! I want some sign from him that he isn't just 'going with the flow' where I'm concerned.

Don't get me wrong, he is such a sweet, caring, kind, strong guy. But I don't want to be the commanding force all the time, and he is used to domineering women. It may be stupid, but I want to be pursued. And I am tired of mixed-messages. I was planning on asking him to come out with us on Friday night (if, as per previous entry I do indeed head out for some cocktails and dancing). If all goes according to the past, then I'll end up with him, and I'll still be in this messy-head-space the next day... Except it will be messier! Perhaps I go out and enjoy things without him there... No doubt I'll end up texting him at some point *sigh*.

Ok, enough of this drivel/dribble. I'm more than pathetic.
But that is the story of the boy.

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